When the Grass Is Always Greener

To stop yourself from only wanting the things you don't have, drill down into why you want them.

Why do you want the things you want?

I recently returned from a three-week trip to the USA, my eighteenth visit to the country. Growing up in Britain, America always held a certain mystique for me—the land of movies, skyscrapers, and NASA. I’ve often felt like it’s where I belong, rather than in the UK. I find myself feeling trapped on this rainy little island, longing for the open plains and endless opportunities America offers.

Until I’m actually in America, that is. Then I immediately start missing home. I start dreaming of sleepy English villages nestled in the rolling countryside. I start getting frustrated by America’s many drawbacks, from the dire state of its downtowns to the impossibility of getting anywhere on foot or public transport.

Whichever country I am in, I dream of the other. As the old saying goes, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Perhaps you experience something similar. Many of us long for another place, or another job, or another relationship, but if we actually made the change, we’d miss what we were giving up and long to change things back.

When you find yourself torn between two mutually exclusive choices, how do you override the “grass is always greener” effect and make an objective assessment of which choice is right for you?

The Art of Knowing Why You Want What You Want

People have two kinds of values: concrete and abstract. Everything I talked about above—countries, jobs, people—are examples of concrete values. They are specific things in the world that we may desire. But why do we desire them? 

To answer that, you need to consider the other type of values—abstract values. These are not specific objects out there in the world, but rather ideas and principles that we hold to be important. It is your abstract values that really define who you are as an individual. Whether you prefer tennis or hockey says much less about you than whether you value freedom or social conformity.

Our concrete values matter to us because they embody our abstract values. If you enjoy playing or watching a sport, it may be because you value success, dedication, and pride. If you like classical music, it may be because you value virtuosity, grandeur, and artistry. If you like cars, it may be because you value design, achievement, and productivity.

Feelings aren’t random—they’re reactions we have to the achievement or loss of our values. When we like something, it’s because we recognize, consciously or subconsciously, that it is a means for us to achieve our deeper values, whether we know those values explicitly or not. If you are clear about your deep, abstract values, you will have an easier time understanding why you’re drawn to certain things and guiding yourself toward the right choices. If you aren’t clear about your deep values, you will find yourself drawn in seemingly random directions by feelings you can’t readily explain.

Ultimately, your concrete values depend on your abstract values. In turn, your abstract values depend on whether you think consciously about what values are best for your life, or whether you let them form subconsciously or on a basis of whim rather than rational thought.

If two places, jobs, lovers, or other exclusive alternatives are both appealing to you, ask yourself: Which of these two embodies the values which best serve my life? Which of these two will better help me achieve my fundamental values? Ultimately, no two things are alike—one will always be a better match for your values than the other. Take the time to organize your values, take the time to understand your options, then make the rational decision—not the one that just feels right.

For much more on determining and organizing your values, see Chapter 5 of the Reason for Living book, coming later this year. Stay updated at reason-for-living.com or on Instagram @rfl_reasonforliving.